Better PA

DIVORCE, THE BASICS
BETTER TV, OCTOBER 1, 2008

LEGAL CARE PREVENTIATIVE MEASURES IN DIVORCE:

1. Love and Marriage Marriages used to be “arranged”. These arranged marriages were based upon similar finances, social background, culture, etc. love was not a factor. Now we consider ourselves to be more “advanced” since we only marry for love. I AM NOT disssing love, but I am strongly suggesting we should take the time to get to know the person we choose to marry. We should discuss our values, religious beliefs, spending habits, desires for children, goals and dreams for the future. It is very easy to get married; most states have very few requirements for two adults to get married. It is significantly more difficult to get divorced.


2. Prenuptial Agreement Prenupt agreements are often viewed as nothing short of saying “I don’t trust you” “I am not sure I love you” “I don’t think our marriage will work”. While we are still not able to read people’s minds, rarely are these the reasons a person who is going to get married requests a prenupt nor are they the reasons for getting a prenuptial agreement. Reasons for getting a prenumptial agreement may be so simple as the fact you may want to keep a family heirloom within your family or special item of property for a particular child or person. Discuss what a prenuptial agreement can mean in your specific fact situation with an attorney who specializes in this area, before you make a decision whether a prenuptial agreement would be beneficial for you.


3. Counseling Going to counseling is not “gay” or being “unmanly”, it is not admitting guilt, wrongdoing or defeat. Communication and Honesty are the keys to a good relationship. Counseling can help you and your spouse or future spouse learn to listen, share and other good communication, promoting a healthier relationship.

DIVORCE

1. It makes absolutely no difference who files for the divorce. The person who files; the Plaintiff, must pay the filing fee. That is the only difference between a Plaintiff and a Defendant.


2. There is a 90 day waiting period, before you can finalize your divorce. This 90 day waiting period begins when the Defendant is served with the Divorce Complaint. In your particular fact situation you may or may not be able to finalize your divorce in 90 days. You may finalize your divorce anytime after the 90 days.


3. If the Defendant does not agree to finalize the divorce, you must wait for 2 years to take your divorce action before the court to seek to have your divorce finalized.


4. Children, marital and personal property may be used as weapons and pawns in a divorce. Remember, children are not simply “little” people. Children’s feelings, ideas, thoughts are being developed and are not completely formed. Your actions and statements during the divorce will have a direct effect on your child’s development. It is also important to remember most marital and personal property is just “stuff” and can be replaced. With the money you save from not fighting and settling your divorce you can buy more “stuff”.


5. Divorce does not happen automatically after the divorce complaint has been filed. Both the Plaintiff and Defendant must sign documents and file them with the court to finalize the divorce.
   
   

   This is an extremely vulnerable time. The parties are hurt and angry, they have lost trust and belief in the person they vowed to love and cherish. Their immediate thoughts are to retaliate against the person(s) who are the source of their hurt and anger. Our legal system in its present state provides these hurt and angry people with an arsenal of “weapons” to retaliate. Unfortunately, in their vulnerable state, these hurt and angry individuals are not able to clearly see these legal weapons are really boomerangs which will return to lay their feet creating more hurt and anger for everyone.

   A divorce is a “death”. You will need to go through the 5 stages of grieving: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, and Acceptance. This vicious circle once set in motion is difficult to escape from. You can get “stuck” in one of these stages of the grief and grieving process. I am certain we all know someone who is still very angry after their divorce. That woman or man “hater”. Life is never the same. How much better to work through these stages and have a new warm and happy life in front of you.

   Parties not only suffer emotionally, the financial drain is frequently devastating to the family’s financial stability. Fighting in the courts costs money and a lot of it! What is critical is that you find assistance at this vulnerable time to work through these stages in a healing manner.

6. Options:
   
   
   1. Traditional Attorneys Each of you can get an attorney. You can engage in a legal “battle”. Communication between you and your spouse will often decrease or disappear. Your only communication will be between your attorneys, which you will be billed for. This route can have a positive outcome if your attorney puts your best interests and healing ahead of aggression, retaliation and winning at any cost.
   
   
   2. Mediation Studies have proven when we bring parties together and support them to re-establish a minimal level of trust and learn once again to communicate (at a minimum in a civil manner); we can achieve the positive interactive communication which promotes a resolution of divorce and/or custody issues. Mediation saves time and money, but perhaps most importantly can save relationships. Mediation is private and confidential communication. Mediation is not a matter of public record as are the issues and allegations brought into the courtroom. Mediation by virtue of its’ process requires communication between warring parties. Communication and understanding are the precursors to agreement. Mediation addresses the parties needs not their legal rights. When individuals have their needs met, even partially, they “win”. There is healing. Often mediation can result in a “win/win” resolution where all the parties can have some or all of their needs met. What a grossly different result than litigation.
   
   
   3. Collaborative Law Each party has their own attorney. However, the parties sign an agreement to attempt to reach a settlement. If they are not able to reach a settlement then they will have to each get a new attorney and then they can go to court. With an emphasis on honest communication and a goal of settlement, this route can have a positive outcome.